Pea coat:: $200, boots: $150, Confidence: priceless

My hiatus from blogging was self-induced. For the first time in about 5 years, I was not experiencing any type of overwhelming emotion. Love, hate, anger...none of them. Coincidentally, it was the first time in about 5 years that I had been truly single. I'm not just talking about lack of a relationship, I'm also talking about lack of emotional connection to ANYBODY.

In the past 5 years, I had dealt with 3 males in particular. And let me tell you, in retrospect, I got it ALL the way wrong. All of it. Now, let me just tell you, I do not cheat. I do not play games. I do not break hearts. And I do not destroy people. But that is not the case for everybody. It seems as though being upfront is such a  loss art, that people like me are in fact in the majority. It was partially cultural differences, partially stupidity on my part, and a lot of immaturity on their part.

Now that we've covered the background, I'm not scared to admit I've cried. I've stayed in situations longer than usual and I've tried harder than reasonable. I've been THAT chick who doesn't know when to "let go". Because I leave all my cards on the table. I leave everything on the field. My mother told me that I should stop wearing my heart on my sleeve. But I believe if you bet big, you win big. As well as lose big, it seems.

So, during my "hiatus", I started to think about my situations. And how I got myself into them. More importantly than that, how did I manage to STAY into them?

All I can come up with is that it was a lack of confidence on my part. Now don't get me wrong, out of the three, I really truly did like one of them. And another was perfect on paper, if not in actuality. The third? Everyone makes mistakes right? :-)

I feel as though I rebounded too quickly and rather focusing on myself, I rushed into the next situations to right the wrongs of the last relationship. Like, I thought it was my fault rather than the fact it was just not meant to be. Like "I'm a great person, who wouldn't want to commit to me?" led me to search shortsightedly for someone who would. And rather than accept it wasn't working, I would try and force it to work, otherwise I clearly wouldn't be as great as I thought it would.

Perhaps, I was one of those people who didn't want to be alone, because I looked at it as a weakness rather than a liberating period that could be used for self-discovery. If I was more comfortable with the idea of being alone, than maybe I wouldn't have wasted 5 of the most important years of my life. Maybe I wouldn't have wasted as many tears. But then again, maybe I wouldn't have experienced the catalyst needed to bring me to my current point in life. I'm completely single, completely happy, and completely focused on making myself a better person. I have a new life, a new career, and by the end of 2011, God willing, I will have a new car and a new house. Not rented, purchased.

And now I know what my problems were, and now that I'm constantly addressing them and working on myself, I know for a FACT I will never be in another situation like the 3 I was in. As different as they were {and they all were extremely different} essentially they had one thing in common: Manifested out of an apparent lack of confidence on my part. Sure, I'd like to have "somebody". But it's not a priority by any means right now.

So, ladies. Know who YOU are, before you try and get to know who HE is. It will save a lot of tears and stress in the long run.