My hiatus from blogging was self-induced. For the first time in about 5 years, I was not experiencing any type of overwhelming emotion. Love, hate, anger...none of them. Coincidentally, it was the first time in about 5 years that I had been truly single. I'm not just talking about lack of a relationship, I'm also talking about lack of emotional connection to ANYBODY.
In the past 5 years, I had dealt with 3 males in particular. And let me tell you, in retrospect, I got it ALL the way wrong. All of it. Now, let me just tell you, I do not cheat. I do not play games. I do not break hearts. And I do not destroy people. But that is not the case for everybody. It seems as though being upfront is such a loss art, that people like me are in fact in the majority. It was partially cultural differences, partially stupidity on my part, and a lot of immaturity on their part.
Now that we've covered the background, I'm not scared to admit I've cried. I've stayed in situations longer than usual and I've tried harder than reasonable. I've been THAT chick who doesn't know when to "let go". Because I leave all my cards on the table. I leave everything on the field. My mother told me that I should stop wearing my heart on my sleeve. But I believe if you bet big, you win big. As well as lose big, it seems.
So, during my "hiatus", I started to think about my situations. And how I got myself into them. More importantly than that, how did I manage to STAY into them?
All I can come up with is that it was a lack of confidence on my part. Now don't get me wrong, out of the three, I really truly did like one of them. And another was perfect on paper, if not in actuality. The third? Everyone makes mistakes right? :-)
I feel as though I rebounded too quickly and rather focusing on myself, I rushed into the next situations to right the wrongs of the last relationship. Like, I thought it was my fault rather than the fact it was just not meant to be. Like "I'm a great person, who wouldn't want to commit to me?" led me to search shortsightedly for someone who would. And rather than accept it wasn't working, I would try and force it to work, otherwise I clearly wouldn't be as great as I thought it would.
Perhaps, I was one of those people who didn't want to be alone, because I looked at it as a weakness rather than a liberating period that could be used for self-discovery. If I was more comfortable with the idea of being alone, than maybe I wouldn't have wasted 5 of the most important years of my life. Maybe I wouldn't have wasted as many tears. But then again, maybe I wouldn't have experienced the catalyst needed to bring me to my current point in life. I'm completely single, completely happy, and completely focused on making myself a better person. I have a new life, a new career, and by the end of 2011, God willing, I will have a new car and a new house. Not rented, purchased.
And now I know what my problems were, and now that I'm constantly addressing them and working on myself, I know for a FACT I will never be in another situation like the 3 I was in. As different as they were {and they all were extremely different} essentially they had one thing in common: Manifested out of an apparent lack of confidence on my part. Sure, I'd like to have "somebody". But it's not a priority by any means right now.
So, ladies. Know who YOU are, before you try and get to know who HE is. It will save a lot of tears and stress in the long run.
Thursday, 27 January 2011
30 days of truth : Day Seven
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Just one person? That's tough. I would say my mother. Cliche, but it's true. She embodies everything I want to be, and more {just minus the attitude LOL}. She is FIERCE. Cultured. Empathetic. Selfless. Giving. I would not be who I am without HER. I would not have this degree without her. I would have not have traveled the world without her. I would not be about to start the job of a lifetime without her. Sure, she's not perfect, but she has made this journey called life a little bit more exciting. I owe her a lot.
Just one person? That's tough. I would say my mother. Cliche, but it's true. She embodies everything I want to be, and more {just minus the attitude LOL}. She is FIERCE. Cultured. Empathetic. Selfless. Giving. I would not be who I am without HER. I would not have this degree without her. I would have not have traveled the world without her. I would not be about to start the job of a lifetime without her. Sure, she's not perfect, but she has made this journey called life a little bit more exciting. I owe her a lot.
30 days of truth : Day Six
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Bury a child. Nuff said.
Bury a child. Nuff said.
30 days of truth : Day Five
So clearly I haven't updated in a while lol, but it's not my fault! A lot of things have been going on. We've had Christmas, and New Year, and I had to fly back to the US to pack up the rest of my crap stuff, and...well, ok I'm out of excuses. So this is probably day 35 rather than day 5. But I'm going to pretend that we didn't have that lil break, and just pick up where I left off
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
I'm a stereotypical Cancer. I'm shy and moody. I observe and over-analyze. I'm very caring and nurturing. I've accomplished a hell of a lot in my short 23 years on this Earth, and sometimes I forget this. However, #lowkey there's something that I'm really anxious to do...
I want to get married and start a family. Growing up, I thought this would happen around the age of 20 (what the heck was *I* thinking?!?!). And after my dreams were destroyed (lol), I thought it would be 25. Now as that landmark is slowly approaching, and I've grown and experienced so much with life and men, I don't see it on the horizon anytime soon. Potentially at all. Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed, to poorly quote a Sex & the City episode. What you want, and what is destined to happen, are often two different things.
So you know, maybe some day I'll settle down and have the 4 kids I always thought. Or maybe I'll continue to live this single and fabulous lifestyle. Who knows?
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
I'm a stereotypical Cancer. I'm shy and moody. I observe and over-analyze. I'm very caring and nurturing. I've accomplished a hell of a lot in my short 23 years on this Earth, and sometimes I forget this. However, #lowkey there's something that I'm really anxious to do...
I want to get married and start a family. Growing up, I thought this would happen around the age of 20 (what the heck was *I* thinking?!?!). And after my dreams were destroyed (lol), I thought it would be 25. Now as that landmark is slowly approaching, and I've grown and experienced so much with life and men, I don't see it on the horizon anytime soon. Potentially at all. Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed, to poorly quote a Sex & the City episode. What you want, and what is destined to happen, are often two different things.
So you know, maybe some day I'll settle down and have the 4 kids I always thought. Or maybe I'll continue to live this single and fabulous lifestyle. Who knows?
Saturday, 11 December 2010
30 days of truth : Day Four
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
I have to forgive that guy for being so selfish and doing what's best for HIM, and not giving a fuck about my feelings in the process. And for being so unapologetic about it. This may be my shortest entry, because I'm not talking about it.
We may be cool again one day, but honestly, I don't know when that will be.
SJ
I have to forgive that guy for being so selfish and doing what's best for HIM, and not giving a fuck about my feelings in the process. And for being so unapologetic about it. This may be my shortest entry, because I'm not talking about it.
We may be cool again one day, but honestly, I don't know when that will be.
SJ
30 days of truth : Day Three
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
I know, I know. It's been a few days since I had an entry. So it's not really 30 consecutive days. But things have been so busy with me, and I'm trying lol. So I'ma catch up a bit, I promise.
Something I have to forgive myself for? Easy. For wasting my time on people who don't deserve it.
If I have one regret in life, it's wasting my time. Every single second, every single minute we spend being unhappy is time that we can't get back. Life is too short. Before we know it, it's over. And when I look back, I wonder "what was I thinking?" Well actually, I think "what the fuck is wrong with you?" but I was trying to clean it up.
I put a lot of pressure on myself. I want to be brilliant. I want it all, and honestly, I don't think that's too much to ask, because I know it can be done. And in my pursuit of wanting it all, I have held on to toxic situations in hope that they will take a turn for the better, rather than cutting my losses and trying again. And now, at 23, I sit here and think of how much happiness I missed out on and how many tears I wasted rather than just not fearing change. And it makes me mad. And honestly, sometimes I beat myself up about it. And so I think more than anything, if I can make permanent peace with myself about it all, life will be that much sweeter :-)
S.J.
I know, I know. It's been a few days since I had an entry. So it's not really 30 consecutive days. But things have been so busy with me, and I'm trying lol. So I'ma catch up a bit, I promise.
Something I have to forgive myself for? Easy. For wasting my time on people who don't deserve it.
If I have one regret in life, it's wasting my time. Every single second, every single minute we spend being unhappy is time that we can't get back. Life is too short. Before we know it, it's over. And when I look back, I wonder "what was I thinking?" Well actually, I think "what the fuck is wrong with you?" but I was trying to clean it up.
I put a lot of pressure on myself. I want to be brilliant. I want it all, and honestly, I don't think that's too much to ask, because I know it can be done. And in my pursuit of wanting it all, I have held on to toxic situations in hope that they will take a turn for the better, rather than cutting my losses and trying again. And now, at 23, I sit here and think of how much happiness I missed out on and how many tears I wasted rather than just not fearing change. And it makes me mad. And honestly, sometimes I beat myself up about it. And so I think more than anything, if I can make permanent peace with myself about it all, life will be that much sweeter :-)
S.J.
Saturday, 4 December 2010
30 days of truth : Day Two
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Where do I start? I LOVE me lol. But seriously, I think the thing I love about myself most is my resilience. No matter what I've done in life, and I have done a lot, I have been knocked down, disappointed, rejected, screwed over...and still, I rise.
Just a brief overview. I am the children of immigrants. I don't even know how many siblings my mother has without counting them out lol. I was the first one to go to college, and graduate. Can you imagine how much pressure is on me? I am the blueprint. I am the bench mark. I got teased incredulously as a child for being smart. For being "too white". For being able to read well {no BS}. Anytime anyone of my cousins messed up, it was "why can't you be more like Sarah?". I am used as a boasting tool by both sets of grandparents, as well as my parents. People often ask me why I moved to the US. Well there are many reasons, but I suppose the main one is that being educated in England means being surrounded by predominantly white people. And while I love my white people, I felt growing up that I was missing out on something. All of my black friends were a hot mess. I guess you can say I come from the "hood" although I'm prissy...idk how that works lol.
Anyway, the United States, and metro-Atlanta especially, is a great place for an educated black person to be. They have their own black bourgeoisie. I often don't think my black American friends know how lucky they are. They can go to a hospital, and the doctor is black. They can go to a courthouse, and the judge is black. They can go to a restaurant, and the owner is black. I see a Bentley on 75, and I don't hope it is a black person driving it, I am CONFIDENT as it is.
I digress. My resilience. I am a very strong person, and I don't think I give myself enough credit for that on many occasions. I moved to the USA by myself. At 18. Not knowing anybody in GA. Set up a life there. Graduated in 4 years. Dated a lot. Dealt with 3 insanely irregular men I was serious about. Even if, in retrospect, they weren't serious about me. These were not normal situations, each of them were unique {and not in a good way} in their own way. I dealt with the heartache and disappointment not being able to go home to escape everything. Not being able to see my family for half a year at a time. Not being able to have those mother-daughter talks like I wanted to.
Anyway my point is I survived. I more than survived, I flourished. I graduated with a 3.45 despite my circumstances. And THAT was a disappointment because I should have done better, but I let the wrong people turn my head. I worked and supported myself entirely after graduation. I became self-sufficient. I re-discovered my love for myself. I am 23, and entirely debt-free. How many people can say that? I'll wait.
My point is, I don't doubt my strengths or my character ever. I may doubt that people are intelligent enough to recognize them, but I can honestly say they don't make too many like me anymore. I am a strong, black, West-Indian/British woman. And I love that about myself.
- @theEnglishchick
Where do I start? I LOVE me lol. But seriously, I think the thing I love about myself most is my resilience. No matter what I've done in life, and I have done a lot, I have been knocked down, disappointed, rejected, screwed over...and still, I rise.
Just a brief overview. I am the children of immigrants. I don't even know how many siblings my mother has without counting them out lol. I was the first one to go to college, and graduate. Can you imagine how much pressure is on me? I am the blueprint. I am the bench mark. I got teased incredulously as a child for being smart. For being "too white". For being able to read well {no BS}. Anytime anyone of my cousins messed up, it was "why can't you be more like Sarah?". I am used as a boasting tool by both sets of grandparents, as well as my parents. People often ask me why I moved to the US. Well there are many reasons, but I suppose the main one is that being educated in England means being surrounded by predominantly white people. And while I love my white people, I felt growing up that I was missing out on something. All of my black friends were a hot mess. I guess you can say I come from the "hood" although I'm prissy...idk how that works lol.
Anyway, the United States, and metro-Atlanta especially, is a great place for an educated black person to be. They have their own black bourgeoisie. I often don't think my black American friends know how lucky they are. They can go to a hospital, and the doctor is black. They can go to a courthouse, and the judge is black. They can go to a restaurant, and the owner is black. I see a Bentley on 75, and I don't hope it is a black person driving it, I am CONFIDENT as it is.
I digress. My resilience. I am a very strong person, and I don't think I give myself enough credit for that on many occasions. I moved to the USA by myself. At 18. Not knowing anybody in GA. Set up a life there. Graduated in 4 years. Dated a lot. Dealt with 3 insanely irregular men I was serious about. Even if, in retrospect, they weren't serious about me. These were not normal situations, each of them were unique {and not in a good way} in their own way. I dealt with the heartache and disappointment not being able to go home to escape everything. Not being able to see my family for half a year at a time. Not being able to have those mother-daughter talks like I wanted to.
Anyway my point is I survived. I more than survived, I flourished. I graduated with a 3.45 despite my circumstances. And THAT was a disappointment because I should have done better, but I let the wrong people turn my head. I worked and supported myself entirely after graduation. I became self-sufficient. I re-discovered my love for myself. I am 23, and entirely debt-free. How many people can say that? I'll wait.
My point is, I don't doubt my strengths or my character ever. I may doubt that people are intelligent enough to recognize them, but I can honestly say they don't make too many like me anymore. I am a strong, black, West-Indian/British woman. And I love that about myself.
- @theEnglishchick
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)